MORE ABOUT ME
One thing I remember clearly about my life was that I was never satisfied and always wanted more, especially when it came to work. Instead of enjoying a sporting event or concert, I would spend the entire time, and weeks after thinking how I could be an athlete or musician. When I worked a job, I would think the same thing about the important people within the organization. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about what I could do instantly to become the CEO. I was never happy with what I had, nor who I was, and no matter what I was doing, to me it was only a stepping-stone to something better. If I couldn’t work my way up the ladder in an instant, then I would try to start my own company or venture. I was destined to be the boss! The problem was that I didn’t have the capacity to understand that if I had only picked something and stayed with it, I would have eventually mastered it and achieved ultimate success. As with studying daily in school, I wasn’t capable staying at a job. I’m not sure if it was mental or physical, but I was not able to stay in one place no matter what.
Whenever I started a new job or venture, I was 110% in and within the first week, I had my retirement planned. I was going to be the best at whatever it was. When I worked as a bus boy, I knew that I would eventually become a partner with the owner, or they would sell it to me. During the one year I worked as a corporate tax accountant, I was going to be the VP of Tax and have my own parking spot! From the time I graduated college until November 2019, I had over 100 jobs, wrote and published a children’s book, started a nutrition shop, ran my own successful marketing company, published two magazines, and I’m sure there is more.
It sounds like I should have nothing to be regretful about, right? Success after success. The problem was that every job or venture suffered the same fate of reaching a pinnacle of success then failing within an instant. No matter what it was, I would wake up one day and feel like it’s time to move on, this wasn’t what I was meant to be doing. No matter what the devastation that would come with the destruction of these downfalls, it didn’t matter, I couldn’t control it. Again, to everyone who quit their jobs to work with me or my family that relied on my income, I was once again being irresponsible and selfish. In a sense that was true, but nobody knew I couldn’t help it, and to me, it was just normal.
What was interesting was that I had the ability to get almost any job I wanted, even talked companies into creating a position if I felt it would have benefited them. Once an idea popped into my head, my creativity, motivation, and drive became unstoppable, I NEVER FAILED! Whenever I started a new venture, there were two separate journeys that took place. First was to fix the damage done between the failure of the previous job or venture, and the beginning of the new one. During those ‘transition’ times, I usually had my car repossessed, got evicted, sold my property for short-term survival money, destroyed every relationship I had with friends and family, and everything else went to collections. I had to remedy these as well as be the most successful person at whatever my current venture was.
Why wouldn’t I have a new job or venture lined up first, so I didn’t have that devastating ‘transition’ period? Wouldn’t that have made my life so much easier? To answer those questions, I would ask why I didn’t just study daily in school? I wasn’t capable. I couldn’t help it, when it was time to move on, there was no physical or mental way to stop it. From the day I started having feelings that it was time to move on, each day got more difficult to focus until it got to the point where I couldn’t even get out of bed, and when it got to this point, I was usually fired and my ventures would just fail, leaving a path of destruction for anyone who was involved with me. The only positive side for me, was that I knew that was a temporary state of mind that usually lasted 6-8 months, at which time I would start to feel motivated and passionate about my new chapter, whatever that might have been.
That cycle went on for 35 years and as challenging as it was to rebuild after each ‘transition’ phase, I was always able to figure some way out to rebuild and make until the next inevitable failure would hit my life like a hurricane. My last job lasted for about two years before I started losing interest and the ability to show up for work. I was fired in early November 2019, and for the first time in my life, I was not able to recover. I had nothing left. No money, family, friends, place to live or car.
So, what changed? It was November 19, 2019, that I was minutes away from taking my own life. Your life will be forever changed when you hear how 100 dimes saved my life and changed it forever. It was because of the 100 dimes and an ‘angel’ who recognized my life was not normal, but bipolar. With the threat of having me forcefully committed for mental health evaluation, I voluntarily went and learned that in fact I was bipolar. Once I learned what I was suffering with and accepted who I truly was, my life changed in ways I never thought possible.
I have been working for a great company for three years now, have a great apartment, new car, and have healthy relationships with friends and family. I am alive and now it’s my turn to share my journey and give the hopeless hope, the unpassionate passion, and the unmotivated, motivation!
"I lived most of my life thinking it was normal to have extreme hights an lows unitl one day it all came crashing down for the first time in my life, I hit rock bottom and was within minutes of ending my life.”